week
because it's the single greatest thing I've ever
seen.
The most popular part of the tape
is a video about treating your mother right. The
segment starts out innocently enough, with an
argument between two kids typically too ugly to
be cast in regular videos. It's the only time
I've seen two people battling where most of the
things they say about each other are pretty accurate.
Suddenly, one of the kids insults
the other's mother - and that's when T steps in.
He explains that you should respect your mother,
no matter who she is and that insulting one mother
is like insulting all mothers. Which is an odd
logical jump, but I wasn't concentrating on the
logic since I was still reeling from the sudden
site of Mr. T.
If that wasn't enough, Mr. T then
produces a microphone. I don't know where he got
it from - perhaps it was obscured by his 73 pounds
of gold chains or lodged in his Mohawk. Wherever
it came from, I'm sure the mic was upset when
The T Man started singing toward it. I say "toward"
because Mr. T's performance had all the energy
of a narcoleptic sloth.
The camera then panned out to
reveal the Mr. T backup dancers: three middle-aged
women too ugly for the PTA. I suddenly realized
where those kids must have come from. The most
interesting part is that the women were all wearing
different outfits. How low budget of a film are
you making when your backup dancers are told "come
as you are"? Though the budget must have
covered makeup; one of the women wore enough rouge
to choke a hooker.
And since you can only take so
much of Mr. T's narcoleptic stylings in front
of the jittery, uncoordinated movements of three
Harper Valley rejects, the video also shows a
montage of people interacting in positive and
negative ways with their mothers. Oddly enough,
there are segments where you can't tell if it's
a good or bad example. Including one where a child
hugs his mother, but gets ice cream all over her
face. Which is only positive if she was trying
to look like an extra in the latest John Holmes
flick.
The song's message was clear - treat your mother
right. I know this because that phrase was uttered
several hundred times. I say "uttered"
because, well, that narcoleptic sloth thing we
discussed earlier. Treat your mother right? I
agree, but only if she doesn't make you watch
this video. Otherwise she should be contractually
obligated to pay for your psychotherapy.
The video also includes Mr. T
in various scenarios, alternating between problem
solving and giving up completely, which is probably
a lesson he learned from his producers. I was
really hoping T would end by saying, "Come
on kids, if I can make it, anyone can. Look at
me - I have no discernable talent, and I'm famous!"
I don't know who produced the
video because I was laughing too hard to read
the credits. But I would have loved to have been
at the board meeting when they were watching the
finished product.
"We paid $17 in production
costs for this?"
It is funny to think that Mr T.
was 1984's Barney. That kids my age might have
listened to the bedazzled behemoth, that he was
such a star that parents looked to him as the
only way to reach their children. Anyone who watches
VH1 knows that 1984 was a ridiculous year. But
this video was so strange, even George Orwell
couldn't have seen it coming.
I'm guessing Mr. T made this video
to try to have a positive impact on youth at the
time; he didn't just want to be remembered for
his breakfast cereal and ridiculous ensemble.
So he hired a few people dressed even worse then
him, and now his legacy lives on. In the hearts,
minds, and therapy bills of people everywhere.
Steve
Hofstetter is the author of the Student Body Shots
books, which are available at SteveHofstetter.com.
He can be e-mailed at steve@stevehofstetter.com.
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